Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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