you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
