You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
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It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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