I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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