btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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