it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
