she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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