3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
