You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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