Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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