youre lurking in front of me
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
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He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately