So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
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I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety