you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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