even my farts smell like vagina
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
