his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
