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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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