I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Say something about gay babies.
You smell like stripper and shame
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
