Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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