im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Can I color on your dick again?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
