i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
