I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Boobs speak an international language.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
