What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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