I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
