do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
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im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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