I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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