Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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