I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
