so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
