pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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