I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
