I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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