dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I faked an abortion last night.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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