I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
