I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
