I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
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