I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize