I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
