So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Let's get the cat blown out
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
