dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
i know! what is this dateline?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
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So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
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I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.