I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.