if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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