I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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