I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
