My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
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Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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