mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
