Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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