I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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