my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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