I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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