false alarm. still invincible.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
