I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
