I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
