JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
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I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
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I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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