I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
